Today i'm Writing this Blog, to help everyone understand "Who i really am" since i was little i've dealt with being treated differently from other people. Some worse than others, like i didn't exist. they say, there are worse things than death, and i think anyone would agree that being treated like your non-existant is a perfect example of that. i found out later in life that i had a rare form of Autism called "Asperger's Syndrome" rare because only very few people get this. It's a Communications Disablity and it's either kept me from having friends or it's Cost me friends. Some would say i was a Pest but never meant to be. Sometimes when i talk i'd speak, but not make any sense, or i'd mummble my words and not get them out. Other times i'd be so confused with responses i would think it meant something when it really meant another, But the one thing that stands out the most is i tend to over think or say too much and not pull back when i should, Or i would do something and then later relize that it wasn't a good idea! all these are based on problems with Communications. later i'll be giving a link and info on this form of Autism.
Asperger's Syndrome Incindent
i don't want her name being mentioned so out of Respect i will not speak of her name in this Blog.
At one time i tried Befriending someone whom i admired. She is a very Beautiful and Caring person and to have someone like her in my life that is outside my family, i really thought being friends with her would be great. In the Beginning when i met her everything was cool, and i wanted to get into earning her Full Trust and Friendship, and so i chose to help this person out any chance i got. Unfortunitly i had over did it (But never Relized it) i had been following her on Twitter and i would try tweeting her like i did everyone else each day to chat with her. i had no idea at all that what i was doing was pestering her all the time, (it never dawned on me.) i didn't understand and unfortunitly things got worse. It got to the point i was wondering why she wasn't responding to me, or even Thanking me for all i've done for her, and then She would tell me why and so i tried to stop over-doing it. (Later my mind ended up going else and not remembering what i was told.) and i ended up over-doing it again, then She Blocked Me, i actually apologized on her show about it and i was extremely sincere. She said that it was nothing personal about Blocking me on Twitter, so i went thinking her and i were cool, thinking we were friends still and so i continued to be her origional on her show. We come to the ending of one of her shows one day and she decided to hang in the Chatroom for awhile just to chat and hang, i had asked her if she was coming threw Jersey to go to New York which she said she was headed on her next trip. She said yes and thinking her and i were cool, i had asked well then why don't we finally meet and hang out a little before you head to NY. she says "Sorry Mr. Kovach but thats just not gonna happen" feeling confused, she then gets into a secret Chat with me, and says "I Don't want you to think i'm being Malice, but Were not Friends and i didn't mean to lead you to believe we were, but because of the whole Twitter Situation i have to keep my distance." (At this point i was confused, i was scared, i was Angry, i was hurt. i felt like i was back in school.) i then made the biggest mistake i could make with her. and i wrote her an e-mail and pretty much attacked everything about her, from her beliefs to her Spirituality, because i felt that everything i learned and admired about her felt like a lie. (I felt alone and in the Dark again.) But unknowingly i was not at the realization that she said what she said because i had Pestered her again. So after that, I then relized i had went to far and i tried sending a strongly worded and Sincere Apology to her and i never heard from her again. (i then knew that i let my personal feelings get away with me.) i upset her bad from it. So i disappeared for along while. And i had began making friends with others, i had joined a new weekly show and it had lots of special guests on it and so i became friends with them all. Unknowingly they too were friends with "her" and so i started seeing her tweets being reposted on my account and i'll admit, at one time it looked cool seeing her on my time line again and on another i felt not worthy of them. But i learned to live with it. I had made peace with myself and my situations i even forgave myself too. It got to where i wanted to see if everything was ok with her because i still cared about her, and so i noticed from a re-tweet a while ago that she is using a new Website for her show, So i then went to her show and i noticed that she had noticed me, She regonized me on her show as a former origional from the last site she used to do. I Thought things were finally ok. then i noticed i would go to her Chats that she had for free on her new site and i would talk with her and things were ok to start, after that i would go to her chat and i would talk with her and there were no responses at all and half the time there were only a few of us. not many would show. So i'm wondering why is this happening again. So i ended up Getting into the habit of Apologizing to her, thinking that she was still not over what had happend with us, and so i ended up in her mind (Pestering her again.) the last chat i had been in with her i sent her direct messages and heard nothing back. It wasn't till after the 3rd Private Message that i went back to the regular chat and ended up seeing her say "stop sending me secret messages people" timing was off that day. Then on her most recent show, She talked about the good and bad of Social Networking and i learned alot from that. especially when she spoke about someone called the PEST. It showed that she didn't let the past go at all and that i wasn't really forgiven, She explained that this person, Was getting re-tweeted by her friends and she was able to see my tweets and didn't like it. I had then relized that threw some of them. i was Alienating and Pestering them too. So she explained to them in her vision who i was, what she said i don't know, probably many things. Now those she mentioned i had met from when i stopped coming around so much. She was so upset she even went as far as attacking my Disabilities in saying that i use them as an Excuse. which i'm here to clear up That i make NO EXCUSES for my Disabilities ever. I am who I am. Now had this been the old me i would of probably Ripped into her again for that. But i kept a cool head and looked at it as "You know what, i attacked her Spirituality and so She Attacked my Disabilities." Fair is Fair. so after i had seen how extremely upsetting it made her and upsetting her friends were, whom i've also tried apologizing too at one time. i had decided that i will back off from now on, because all i'd do is pester her and i don't want her to think that no more of me. I do this out of respect to her.
Believe me, if i knew then what i know now i wouldn't have gone as far as i did. I take full responsability for my actions and my Disabilities. I still hope one day her and I can finally make a Truce and make Peace i even say this to whomever saw me as a pest too. I'm even asking for what seems like a 3rd chance, and trust me Screwing up WON'T HAPPEN. I Assure you I'm NO DEVIL and I'm in no Way Meaning to be a PEST and I never ever meant to take advantage of anyone and if i did i'm extremely sorry! :.( i spoke of this in truth and a Strong Example of what i've dealt with many times in the past with having Aspergers Syndrome. I Apologize ahead of time if this upsets anyone including anyone who may have been pestered by me. It's just to show you that what anyone thought of me as being Negative and Manipulative is not true at all. i know the Devil has many Disgueses and Aspergers is one of them in my life. The other is having ADD (Attention Defasit Disorder) but as you can now see. I'm no longer letting the Devil get the best of me, nor will he ever again! i stand by my apologizes and know that at least in the end of all of this i tried to make peace and admit my faults and that i can see myself as the bigger person for it. I also thank God for his mercy, we are his creations and i'm thankful and honored to be one of his. Infact Earlier today i came across a couple cool Prayers on twitter that went with everything i've been dealing with personally for many years. and it too brought me closer to peace for i feel this prayer was advice from God himself. It's from a twitter account called @Belt_of_Truth i advise all to follow it.
"Father, guard my tongue that I won't say things that I'll later regret. Forgive me when I fail you & help me to forgive others who have hurt me. Amen."
"Father, help me to make right choices, to stand strong & over come my fear of people's rejection. Their rejection can hurt, help me to ease my pain. Amen"
There is a book on it that i've had for a number of years and i advise everyone to please Get it, it's called
ASPERGER'S SYNDROME A Guide for Parents and Professionals Tony Attwood Foreword by Lorna Wing. It gives you an indepth look into what it's about even more, it's just an amazing book. and i hope some of you will take the chance to read up on it. you never know who may have it and they didn't relize it! i also ask that you check this link if you can't find the book -
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome Thank you for Reading this Blog, and Thank you to those who never gave up on me and to those who felt that had too. I pray for you still. Lots of Love, Positive Vibes & God Bless you all! :)
Robert W. Kovach
@RobKovach999
